Surprise Dad This Father's Day

Father's Day is fast approaching, and I know that all of you wives and kiddies out there in Muley's World would appreciate a little advice on what to get ol' Dad for the event. I'm here to help.

Now, I know that you're not looking for the same old tired gifts -- if you want to buy a tie, a pair of Dockers or a George Foreman grill, your local mall will surely suffice. But no, your husband or father, being a discriminating man of sophisticated taste like me, demands not only quality in his gift, but originality. Here goes.

REV UP THE ROMANCE Take advantage of Father's Day to get hubby something to start the sparks flying again (with you, I mean). Here's Dr. Muley's prescription: have him put on one of these and then grab his new Love Gun. Need a little make-believe to help stir the romantic pot? Have him take on a sexy new persona by wearing this or this. If things go as I expect, you might need to renew your vows in one of these. And the two of you might even be so in love that you'll get one of these made.

A LITTLE TOUCH-UP You can use Father's Day to subtly help your husband or father overcome those quirky little habits or shortcomings that drive you bonkers. Does Dad snore? Have him try sleeping with one of these. If that doesn't work, try using a few of these after he starts sawing the lumber. Maybe he doesn't snore, but just has trouble getting to sleep. Have him read this at bedtime.

Is Dad a timid mouse of a man, afraid of his own shadow? Give him new confidence with one of these. And if he's a truck driving man with low self esteem, this will get his manly pride going, as well as attract local livestock.

Is dad a wreck in the bathroom when it comes to cleanliness and decorum? Start with one of these (you'll thank me), and then add one of these to prevent those middle-of-the-night telemetry accidents.

Is hubby going a bit bald upstairs? This nifty product might help. Do his feet have a peculiar fecund odor you've grown to loathe? Have him slip on some of these (remember, they're not real, ladies). Does he embarrass you by scratching inappropriate nether regions in public? Whip this out. And is Dad spending the family vacation money and college savings seeking answers from a high-priced shrink? Cancel the appointments and give him one of these.

SPORTS STUFF Is Dad a sports or outdoors buff? Here are a few suggestions. For a golfer, why not one of these to wear on the links? What bowler would not turn heads on league night wearing this? And what hunter would be caught dead without one of these in the field? Maybe your husband wants to hunt, but he's just a little intimidated by real firepower. Get him this or this.

KITCHEN MAGICIAN For the dad who wants to learn how to cook, here's a few suggestions. Wearing one of these will get his confidence up. Have him start with an easy dish -- like microwave popcorn. This will make it more fun. Speaking of fun, what guy wouldn't want to serve guests something he made in this? And if Dad is truly gastronomically challenged (or lazy as a ditch), even he can work this.

FUN, FUN, FUN After all that time spent working, a good dad likes to play and play hard. Here's some ideas. If Dad is the easily entertained sort, this classic will almost never fail to help him pass the time. To make things more interesting, buy him a pack of these to use with it. For the prankster dad, great news: the classic whoopee cushion has gone both high tech and cute and cuddly. Does Dad like to gross out friends and colleagues? Here's a corker.

SPACE IN SPACE Forget having a star named after Dad for Father's Day. That's so yesterday, and what does he get out of it, anyway? What Dad wants is something tangible, like real estate. So buy him a full acre, rocks and all, on either the Moon or Mars. If some future space expedition lands on his plot, imagine the fat landing fees he can collect!

OKAY, I GIVE UP I hear some of you saying, "It just isn't Father's Day without a tie." For those sentimentalists out there, I offer four tie patterns: for the animal lover dad, for the art lover dad, for dads who love the movie Psycho, and for all the dictator-loving Commie dads out there.

LAST BUT NOT LEAST Finally, if all else fails, and you just can't figure out what to get Dad, break the emergency glass and reach for this. And if you figure out just what the heck it's for, I probably don't want to know.

Quote of the day:

"[My father] didn't tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it."

--Clarence Budington Kelland