Monday, June 20, 2005

Search (and Destroy?)

She doesn't know it yet, but one of my favorite bloggers, Not a Desperate Housewife, has given me what I think is a great idea. Okay, at least it's an idea.

In her latest post, the Housewife was lamenting the fact that even though she's a spunky yet tasteful Christian minding her own business and putting out intelligent posts, she never fails to attract, shall we say, the seedy element to her site. How? By searches said seedy types do that lead them to her:
"Without fail, when someone does a Google search for [she lists five provocative words here] I TURN UP!!!! I even recently came up close to the top in a [three-word drug-related phrase] search, all three of those words in different postings. So for all of you pervs maneuvering your mouse with hairy palms, GO AWAY!!! Or you can stay and perhaps I can convert you. I am a happily married woman of 19 years with 3 sons; Christian, conservative and mouthy. Geezzz!!!!"
This post of the Housewife's gave me an idea I may live to regret. For a week or two, I'm going to dangle some byte bait, and see what sort of strange species of Internet trollers I attract.

What I've decided to do is to place some nonsense phrases linking strings of buzzwords (hopefully PG-rated ones) together into new combinations. I'll put enough in here so that something is bound to attract someone searching for a related or even totally unrelated subject. I should be able to use the site tracking service I have to see what keywords they typed in, and what search engines they came from.

What is my motivation for doing this? Sheer curiosity. I know, I know, some of you are probably screaming at me to leave well enough alone, but I'm still very new at this blog thing, and I want to understand more of how it works, the good and the bad. Right now, I get very few hits via search engine-generated forwards. The last one I got was someone from Japan looking for "fish cast bridge pole father," in that order. Maybe they thought Muley's World was one of those geriatric fishing shows.

Anyway, since I've had very few queries from search engines so far, I should be able to easily detect a noticeable jump. I'll keep this post up for a week, maybe two, and then delete it. And I'll share the results with all of you.

Of course, if space aliens use this to start abducting my relatives -- the ones I like -- or clearing out my mutual funds, all bets are off and we'll abort the experiment.

Here, then, are the phrases on my line that I dip into the teeming waters:

Leaky ballpoint Pennsylvania camel cheese
Gelatinous pygmy treatments for gooey lumbago
Arizona diamond backstabber McAdam son
Flippery frugal fountainbleu moonmaid
Gristle-filled sac of curdled compromise
Apple pi gutless draperies and swags of swill
Gargling rabbits with hare implants
Corpulent trolls inside cash-rich caves of coconuts
Watusi-warped gimcrack dribblers eating muscled mucilage
Incandescent releases of microwaved vole breath
Triangulated tonsures of zipper-necked Whigs
Arf! Arf! To the herniated heliport, Hortense!
Corrobrated hives of hausfraus gesticulating via Desperanto
Corroded lisping snail bleats encased in Chateau de Crumbly
The final insult: You wiggling spackle-faced bag of blarney!

Let's see what happens.

UPDATE: The Housewife suggested that I throw in some sexual terms to see what will come up. I'm not sure I want to get too graphic, but let me add a few lines with some "multi-meaning" words and political hot buttons, and see how that changes the catch:

Strip search bottoms of chest-high underwear drawers
Gitmo Bush McCain Saddam Condi gay marriage abortion right to life macaroons

I just had to add macaroons, although I don't think that's a hot button issue.

Let's see if this addendum changes things. Sorry, but I just can't write the real graphic sex words in good conscience.

FINAL UPDATE: I repeat: Implants!

Quote of the day:

"There are two modes of establishing our reputation: to be praised by honest men, and to be abused by rogues. It is best, however, to secure the former, because it will invariably be accompanied by the latter."

--Charles Caleb Colton


Stacy said...

We'll see what happens, I think you should have thrown some sexual words in there. It would have been real interesting then.

Muley said...

Okay, Stacy. I'm up for the challenge. See my updated post (although I still don't have it in me to get really graphic). I did my best in the spirit of experimentation.

nightfly said...

So, what you're saying, essentially, is that you're a victim of your own modesty? That's why you don't get Wonkette-sized traffic?

Kate said...

you don't have to be terribly graphic - for months now (almsot as long as i've had my blog) I've been getting hits from people looking for nude pictures of some celebrity I've never heard of...who just happens to have "heart" in her name. All because my blog is called "Heart Speaks to Heart" and one of my posts on the Theology of the Body contains a lot of buzz words.

Stacy said...

Implant will do it.

Muley said...


Jeff H said...

Wow, mmmm, macaroons...

Oh, sorry, just ignore me...

日月神教-任我行 said...