The first Alien movie came out in 1979, and boy, was it scary. I think there's still a part of my scalp on the ceiling of the theater I saw it in. I'm talking, of course, about the scene where the little multi-incisored baby Alien that's been incubating inside that poor schmo on the table suddenly bursts out through his chest cavity like a jack-in-the-box from hell.
Alien spawned a number of successful sequels, including one where star Sigourney Weaver was as bald as a Chia Pet just out of the box. But after awhile, the series seemed to grow a bit stale, and the creators needed something new to revitalize it.
Enter 2004's movie AVP: Alien vs. Predator. This was an attempt to revive the franchise by giving The Alien an opponent a little more formidable to spar with -- Mr. Predator, the extraterrestrial bad boy from the 1987 Arnold Schwarzenegger flick, which hatched a sequel of its own. It was kind of like that old commercial when a guy eating peanut butter rounds the corner and bumps into a gal eating a chocolate bar, and voila!, they create Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. Put the Alien and Predator franchises together, and watch the equally tasty cash flow in. Which it did, to the tune of more than $80 million in the U.S. alone.
Soon, Hollywood will undoubtedly make a sequel to Alien vs. Predator, but what worthy opponent is there left for Alien to battle? Since Muley is a helpful sort, I offer the producers a number of ideas, free of charge:
Alien vs. HARRY POTTER: Talk about a marriage of franchises! Hagrid, who loves raising dragons from eggs, gets one that looks a little different. When it hatches, break out the wands! Alien will have all the dark nooks and crannies of Hogwarts to hide in, and if we're lucky, we'll get to see him chew up Malfoy like a Slim Jim. Might need J.K.'s approval on this first.
Alien vs. JOHNNY COCHRAN: This was my first idea, made moot by the untimely death of the legal legend. It would have featured great courtroom battles (with lots of masticated television news reporters) and a catchy tag line: "If this alien bites, read him his rights!"
Alien vs. THE GODS OF OLYMPUS: Eighty-four-year-old Ray Harryhausen hasn't made a boffo full-length feature film since 1981's Clash of the Titans. This could be the vehicle to bring the master of stop-motion animation, as seen in such classics as Seventh Voyage of Sinbad and Jason and the Argonauts, back into the spotlight. Instead of Athena springing fully formed from the forehead of Zeus, in this picture it's the Alien who pops out. Imagine the fight scenes between Alien and Hercules! Watch Bacchus and the Alien tie one on! Wait till Ol' Chomper gets a taste of Neptune's trident! Added bonus: in this movie, the Alien will speak! -- but in Italian, with a poor English dubbing inserted for U.S. release. Anthony Hopkins as Zeus.
Alien vs. POPEYE: Alien kidnaps Swee' Pea to use him as an after dinner snack, and brings Olive Oyl along for a toothpick. The nefarious plan backfires when Popeye uncorks the green stuff and gets swingin'. Added bonus: for the first time ever, Popeye and archrival Brutus band together to defeat Alien, after which Brutus smashes Popeye into a human hubcap, which wobbles down the road as the credits roll.
Alien vs. JACK THE RIPPER: In this inventive twist, Alien is sent back into time and meets Saucy Jack in Whitechapel. When Jack realizes that Alien is eviscerating all the choicest prostitutes before he can get to them himself, he decides he must kill his rival to be allowed to act out his own evil obsessions in peace. Anthony Hopkins as the Ripper.
Alien vs. SCOOBY DOO: A bit of a deceptive title. The "real" Alien doesn't appear in this movie, although it seems that way at first. Something fitting the Alien's description is disembowling holiday visitors to the Happy Santa Christmas Tree Farm. Scooby and the rest of the gang investigate, and find out it's just Mr. Petersen, the caretaker, who's dressing up in a rubber Alien suit with mechanical jaws. He wants the bad publicity so he can buy the farm cheap and turn it into a singles resort. Added bonus: Mr. Petersen mutters "You meddling kids!" before he's hauled off to jail.
Alien vs. BABY GENUISES: We want this, don't we? Don't we? If he eats them all, will that prevent another Baby Genuises sequel?
Alien vs. THE UNITED NATIONS: After the Undersecretary for Alien Affairs is filleted on a goodwill visit, the U.N. suffers three days of heated debate before voting to employ limited sanctions against the Alien, including requiring him to surrender his conditional world passport. When news of the sanctions reaches the Alien, he comes to New York and proceeds to ingest the entire U.N. membership, country by country. An eleventh-hour resolution calling for full "we mean it, we really, really mean it!" sanctions fails because a quorum is not alive to vote.
Alien vs. COLONEL SANDERS: The final scene is so haunting -- the vanquished Alien, being fried alive in a vat of Extra Crispy. Not a whisker of Harlan's goatee is even nicked. Anthony Hopkins as Colonel Sanders.
Alien vs. JACKIE CHAN: I would definitely pay to see this. Admit it -- you would pay to see this.
Quote of the day:
"Write without pay until somebody offers pay. If nobody offers pay within three years, the candidate may look upon the circumstance with the most implicit confidence as the sign that sawing wood is what he was intended for."